The Path

You can’t leave a place, people or the state unless you are looking for or running away from something.


As I was swimming in the lake today I found myself feeling lucky. My apartment is on very strategic spot: 2 minutes away from the park, 15 minutes away from the centre of the city, 15 minutes away from the lake and so called Amsterdam forest (which is more like the very big park, but I still love it).

But as I was floating in that water for few minutes, 5 planes were landing above my head, quite a few boats passed by and I could hear the highway…  Am I THAT lucky???

And then I went to my favourite spot in that forest… The power of Nature is truly amazing… Even city cannot dim it…

Secret places

… on being different


Totally… Every time a man, dressed in the colourful skirt and flower print silk top, styled with bright plastic necklaces and earrings, comes into the shop I work, he is amazed how wonderful the day is. He gets some Chinese tea and reminds me it’s the best tea in the world and he is gonna reuse the beautiful cans. Then he looks at me and is shocked how beautiful my eyes are like he would see them for the first time.

He is crazy, I’m telling you. He is dressed like a crazy cat lady, talks to himself, is always cheerful and gives compliments whenever he feels like it (extra crazy here in the Netherlands). He is one of the happiest people I met. Yes, I hear you saying he might be very unhappy inside. But since he always radiates love and cheerfulness I do believe he is happy.

Living not in accordance to the society norms may not always be equal to being happy. Living your true heart’s wish always is.


… on karma

Karma is not an Eastern philosophy. You take some poison – you die. This is the law of cause and effect.
Chogyal Namkhai Norbu

… on emotions

rainbow colour sparkles in the space

do you know who is dancing on the ray of sun?  

Emotions… I thought they can burn…  Again and again I was looking where do they all come from but I could not find. And then I let go… Attachment, anger, fear, jealousy and love: they all are dancing joyfully in that space like the dolphins swimming in the sea. They have always been, they will always be…


… on being the woman

I’ve been doing my best to  be a Buddhist practitioner for almost ten years. The essence of the Buddhist View is that everything (material, mental and spiritual) is shunyata – the uncompounded, limitless essence from which everything is born and everything eventually comes back to. So I’ve been trying hard to abide for as long as I can in this limitless state beyond all the concepts and dualities. That is, beyond male and female as well.

But here I am: almost 31 years young and feeling the feminine energy pervading my being like never before in my whole life. I am the woman. At times I feel like the Super Woman: not the opposite sex of the Superman, but the very essence of all the women. I find myself  being in this very open state radiating love. And in this open state I can also feel the pain of all the women on this planet. Seriously.

The pain of suppression mostly. And by “suppression” I mean not being a slave of a man but actually not having a possibility to be the woman. Ages of silencing women and putting them into the corsets and ridiculous shoes so that they couldn’t move freely. Generations of women who had to be the man of the family because their men became cowards and sissies.

And now we are talking (still!) about the freedom of women. But let’s face it, in all the so called 3rd world and developing countries women have to employ the masculine energy to fight for their freedom. They have to go out to the streets to fight for their right to vote (still in 2013!), have  a job, education and not to be raped! In all the so called already highly developed countries women have to step out of their masculine shoes and read articles like “10 ways to connect with your core feminine” or like this one where it is explained that women shouldn’t be  rivals anymore but work together in unity.

Basically what I was trying to say here, is that it is confusing to be the woman at times. Well.. not while you are listening to this tune ❤

Celebrating Life

How do you celebrate life? With the sparkling glasses, stuffed turkeys and mashed potatoes? With the songs and dances? Or maybe with the stories of pain you went through?

I’m crying while watching this man talk, sing and jump. Not because the pain he went through is enormous, but because his heart is so big. Bigger than his hungry childhood belly. Bigger than the tanks of oil and the carats of diamonds and gold. And definitely bigger than the hungry belies those tanks and carats are trying to fill up.


… on the spiritual path

If you are reading this post most likely you, like me, are  following a spiritual path. Most of the people I know, do. For like nine years I was also following the spiritual path. Up until recently then I’ve realised that what I do is I’m working on my personal development.  Sounds less sophisticated (in my surroundings) but it is much more real.

I was lucky to meet my fellow budhist practitioners back in Lithuania more than nine years ago, and I’ve learned some meditation basics from them. Eight years ago I’ve met my dear teachers Namkhai Norbu Rinpoche and Sogyal Rinpoche. Their teachings was like water in the desert: I was listening to them all the time and I went to as many retreats as I could. I moved to the Netherlands were I could finally get all those books on Budhhism (there was not much available in Lithuania). So for three years I red spiritual books only. Some of them like Introduction to the Bodhisatva’s Way of Life or The Words of My Perfect Teacher made such a great impression that I was applying their methods every single minute. And I was trying really hard…

I cannot say that I was a hard core meditator but I did my best:  meditated as often as I could, chanted quite  some mantras and prayers, did some personal retreats, practised Yantra Yoga and tried hard to become a lucid dreamer.  I was on the spiritual path and found it very strange  then some of my fellows would doubt if their are going to attain Enlightenment in this lifetime.  I was sure I will because there are all the necessary conditions: I’ve met a genuine Master, I’ve got the transmission and I’m following the path.

Don’t get me wrong: all those mantras and minutes of meditation was not the waist of time. In fact, I believe it was a very cause of what happened next: my spiritual path became the story of my personal development. You see, until you really connect with yourself and face your seems-like-never-ending-vessel of your inner fears, traumas, obsessions and tendencies you are creating yet another story: the story of your spiritual path. This story might have little bit more value than the other stories we are making up all the time but it’s the same illusion. And I know it’s a big statement and might not be true for all the people but it’s coming from my personal experience. So I’m going to illustrate it with one example.

During the time when I was reading (you can almost say “eating”) Introduction to the Bodhisatva’s Way of Life I was also going through some stuff connected with my parents. I felt like they didn’t give me enough love and I was very angry. On top of that I was angry that I was angry (=bad practitioner).  The essence of the Bodhisatva’s Way of Life  is genuine compassion and loving kindness. So I was trying very hard to transform my anger to compassion for my parents. But in reality I just reset my brain to program “my parents did their best and they do love me but can’t express it”. So I believed I was practising compassion to ALL sentient beings for few years. And then I was forced to face my inner shit. And I did face it. But now there was not so much anger but a lot of pain… pain of the child that was suppressed for many years. I am still working on that but I can feel the result already now: for first time in my life I truly love myself and the love and compassion I feel for my parents and other beings has no “because”: my heart is open to give and receive love. Not always. But most of the time 🙂



… on shame and vulnerability

So recently I’ve been reading few books on family psychology where they explain it very explicitly how all those patterns we carry around are being formed in our childhood etc. But this TED talk has really hit me tonight. It really made me feel my shame and fear of vulnerability I’m hiding deep inside.

Brene Brown in her 20 min talk summarizes her research on shame and vulnerability. But I guess it is not only her words that touch me so deeply but also her warm manner of speaking. Essentially shame, she says, is fear of disconnection. To be connected with others is the most important emotional need of all the human beings. But in order to be really connected with someone we have to allow ourselves to be seen, to be truly seen. And that means to be vulnerable.


And here is another talk where Brene Brown talks more about the shame and specially about the different ways women and men are experiencing shame. Oh yes, that one really hurt or, rather, opened the wound…  The greatest woman’s shame: not being good enough, not being perfect enough.


the fog below the sea level

reminded me of the lonely fish who got cold

tons of melted snow and ice flooded the seas

ice age is over

he thought

gotta go to save Manus

… on transformations

So here we are in the year 2012, the year of the big transformations. For the last 2 years I’ve heard so much from my Mayan calendarists, conspiracy theorists and astrologists friends about the big changes which are going to hit the Earth and us earthlings on many different levels in this year 2012. And I did see the changes happening on Earth and in our society. Especially since the tsunami hit Japan and the radioactive particles spread everywhere and the economy fell apart like the house made of cards…  But now I finally see the changes happening on the personal levels.

I see people I know going through mental, emotional, spiritual transformations. I hear strangers telling their stories of change and quest. I hear so many people asking the question “how do I actually want to live my life?” And to me this is the proof that the long waited 2012 is here. I am glad to hear those stories of transformation although some of them are painful ones, but they all share on thing: they are the stories of growth.

In the last 10 years I had quite a few periods of painful transformation and I know how “pleasant” the karma washing machine is. So for the last few months I’ve been anxiously waiting till the shit is going to hit the fan.  But so far I’ve been only persistently pushed to open my heard and let the love flow. My personal 2012 story so far is the story of the open heart.

Welcome the transformation, my dear fellow earthlings! 🙂

… on feminine and masculine

So according to David Deida (and some other guys, but recently I’ve been mostly reading his books) we all have feminine and masculine energies flowing in us and around us. We all are different combinations of these energies no matter whether we are male or female, gay or straight. External factors like education, society norms and so on, influences whether we develop more masculine or more feminine energy in us as well. If we want we can also develop skills to be able to shift to more feminine or more masculine mode of being.

I’ve been observing myself a lot for the past few months trying to notice when I am in the feminine mode and when I’m more in the masculine flow of energy. Actually, just very recently I’ve started to distinguish the flow of those two different energies. I’m talking here not only about the way I talk, dress, walk and so on, but also about the way I respond to the world, challenges and problems; the way I respond to people and their actions and words, sometimes even thoughts; the way I do my practice and so on.

The moment I go into discussion about anything  I feel the scale leaning to the masculine side. I want to prove I’m right, I want to show my knowledge…. almost 100% masculine! That also applies to the days when I want to escape from this world and just sit in my room, chant my mantras (the more the better!), sit there in contemplation (don’t move!) and do Yantra Yoga (lots of it and the hard way). Masculine, masculine, masculine. Determined, heavy, one-pionted. And then the feminine comes in and brings lightness (in weight and lucidity); it pulls back the masculine energy into this very reality from the world of ideas and mental meditations. Female energy is being here and now but not in the static moment. It’s being here and now in the movement, in flexibility, in constant manifestation of appearance and disappearance….