… on being the woman

I’ve been doing my best to  be a Buddhist practitioner for almost ten years. The essence of the Buddhist View is that everything (material, mental and spiritual) is shunyata – the uncompounded, limitless essence from which everything is born and everything eventually comes back to. So I’ve been trying hard to abide for as long as I can in this limitless state beyond all the concepts and dualities. That is, beyond male and female as well.

But here I am: almost 31 years young and feeling the feminine energy pervading my being like never before in my whole life. I am the woman. At times I feel like the Super Woman: not the opposite sex of the Superman, but the very essence of all the women. I find myself  being in this very open state radiating love. And in this open state I can also feel the pain of all the women on this planet. Seriously.

The pain of suppression mostly. And by “suppression” I mean not being a slave of a man but actually not having a possibility to be the woman. Ages of silencing women and putting them into the corsets and ridiculous shoes so that they couldn’t move freely. Generations of women who had to be the man of the family because their men became cowards and sissies.

And now we are talking (still!) about the freedom of women. But let’s face it, in all the so called 3rd world and developing countries women have to employ the masculine energy to fight for their freedom. They have to go out to the streets to fight for their right to vote (still in 2013!), have  a job, education and not to be raped! In all the so called already highly developed countries women have to step out of their masculine shoes and read articles like “10 ways to connect with your core feminine” or like this one where it is explained that women shouldn’t be  rivals anymore but work together in unity.

Basically what I was trying to say here, is that it is confusing to be the woman at times. Well.. not while you are listening to this tune ❤


… on shame and vulnerability

So recently I’ve been reading few books on family psychology where they explain it very explicitly how all those patterns we carry around are being formed in our childhood etc. But this TED talk has really hit me tonight. It really made me feel my shame and fear of vulnerability I’m hiding deep inside.

Brene Brown in her 20 min talk summarizes her research on shame and vulnerability. But I guess it is not only her words that touch me so deeply but also her warm manner of speaking. Essentially shame, she says, is fear of disconnection. To be connected with others is the most important emotional need of all the human beings. But in order to be really connected with someone we have to allow ourselves to be seen, to be truly seen. And that means to be vulnerable.


And here is another talk where Brene Brown talks more about the shame and specially about the different ways women and men are experiencing shame. Oh yes, that one really hurt or, rather, opened the wound…  The greatest woman’s shame: not being good enough, not being perfect enough.


… on feminine and masculine

So according to David Deida (and some other guys, but recently I’ve been mostly reading his books) we all have feminine and masculine energies flowing in us and around us. We all are different combinations of these energies no matter whether we are male or female, gay or straight. External factors like education, society norms and so on, influences whether we develop more masculine or more feminine energy in us as well. If we want we can also develop skills to be able to shift to more feminine or more masculine mode of being.

I’ve been observing myself a lot for the past few months trying to notice when I am in the feminine mode and when I’m more in the masculine flow of energy. Actually, just very recently I’ve started to distinguish the flow of those two different energies. I’m talking here not only about the way I talk, dress, walk and so on, but also about the way I respond to the world, challenges and problems; the way I respond to people and their actions and words, sometimes even thoughts; the way I do my practice and so on.

The moment I go into discussion about anything  I feel the scale leaning to the masculine side. I want to prove I’m right, I want to show my knowledge…. almost 100% masculine! That also applies to the days when I want to escape from this world and just sit in my room, chant my mantras (the more the better!), sit there in contemplation (don’t move!) and do Yantra Yoga (lots of it and the hard way). Masculine, masculine, masculine. Determined, heavy, one-pionted. And then the feminine comes in and brings lightness (in weight and lucidity); it pulls back the masculine energy into this very reality from the world of ideas and mental meditations. Female energy is being here and now but not in the static moment. It’s being here and now in the movement, in flexibility, in constant manifestation of appearance and disappearance….